Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Steve's Theory of Addiction and Recovery

Steve
Timmer’s Addiction & Recovery Theory
I.
What is addiction, alcoholism, chemical or substance
dependency?
Addiction (Substance dependency) and alcoholism is a
disease of the brain. It is a disease
because it meets the criteria for all diseases:
1.
It is Primary – not the result of another
disease or other factors.
2. It is Chronic – may progress slowly and
subtlety, is constant and lasts for a long period of time.
Other chronic diseases include diabetes, heart disease, emphysema and
arthritis.
3. It is Progressive – left unchecked and
untreated, the dependent person moves from an early stage where the substance
appears helpful and seductive to an uncontrollable craving. Over time, the person’s condition becomes
more severe and mental, physical, emotional and spiritual problems occur.
4. It is eventually Fatal – if the dependent person
continues to abuse her or her substance, the addiction will eventually lead to
a shorter life span. Death may occur due to the following:
a.
Liver, heart,
kidney, pancreas, lung or other organ failure.
b.
Overdose.
c.
Suicide.
d.
Auto, fire, water
or other kind of accident.
II.
What is the cause of addiction or alcoholism?
There is no known specific cause why some people
become addicted and others due not.
However, the vast majority of people have one or most the four basic
reasons for becoming chemically dependent:
1.
Chemical
imbalances in the brain or body,
2.
Past, unresolved
trauma.
3.
Poor coping
skills.
4.
Perceptions and
beliefs that cause the person discomfort, sadness, anger or pain.
Factors such as a family history of alcoholism or
addiction, family dynamics, environmental factors, and head trauma also have a
high correlation with susceptibility to chemical dependence.
III.
What is the cure?
This causes and conditions can be very complex and
subtle. The cure is what has been
driving pharmaceutical companies, medical schools, treatment centers,
psychiatrists, psychologists, addiction physicians, addiction researchers and
therapists for decades. By far, the 12
Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and other 12 step programs
have been the most successful in the treatment of alcoholism and
addiction. Other therapies have also
been shown to be effective, including cognitive behavioral therapies, secular
and religious programs that seek to adjust perceptions and coping skills while
addressing trauma, and some medical therapies.
In an interviewed study, Anne Fletcher, in Sober for Good (Houghton Mifflin,
2001) examined 222 people who had “alcohol problems” and who have abstained
from alcohol for over 20 years. The
following was how each one did it:
Recovery Method
|
No. of People
|
Traditional 12 Steps
|
97
|
Nontraditional Recovery Methods
|
125
|
Sober on their own
|
25
|
Multiple Paths
|
25
|
Secular Organization for Sobriety
(SOS)
|
18
|
Women for Sobriety
|
15
|
SMART Recovery
|
13
|
Went to AA, but quit after some
years
|
12
|
Treatment Center, then on their
own
|
5
|
Religion
|
4
|
Rational Recovery
|
4
|
Psychological Counseling
|
3
|
Moderation Management
|
1
|
As a treatment provider, I look to the
bio-psycho-social assessment and other evidence-based diagnostic tools to create
treatment plans and to help determine the best course of treatment. However, since this paper is my theory of
addiction treatment, I will share with you my fundamental belief on each
individual’s recovery – you do it yourself.
Somehow, some way, you hear the right words or experience the right
experience to find the motivation or to perceive a new way of thinking or
envisioning your world.
I have an aunt who wrote a book called By Monomoy Light, in which she
describes her experience living alone on an island for several months:
Living simple and in solitude is difficult,
admittedly, since it strips you of distraction and defense. You find out the gravest danger you face –
always – is yourself, and that you are your own way out of trouble, the doorway
to your own hard-sought freedom. These
are truths not everyone wants to know.
But they can stay at home.
As for me, I plan to remember Monomoy and face the
really scary business of day-to-day living with purpose and a sense of my own necessity,
as the birds and animals do.
With me I can a page torn out of Crossing Antarctica,
the journal of Will Steger, the leader of a six-man international team that
crossed the vast southern continent on skis and dogsleds – and faced dangers
more tangible and extreme than I probably will ever know. In the long polar night, in the midst of his
expedition of hardships, he recalled the earlier difficult and rewarding times: ‘During the struggle to raise money to go to
the North Pole,’ he writes, ‘we had an ardent supporter in Duluth, Minn., an 85
year old woman named Julia Marshall, whose family owned a hardware story. At a time when we were desperate for cash, I
remember getting a check in the mail from her for $5,000. Accompanying the check was a nearly illegible
note, which took me four or five readings to decipher. It said simply “WE NEED ADVENTURE NOW.”’
And we can have it.
Of course, adventure, like everything else worth
having has its price: I’ve had the discomfort of poison ivy for weeks; I know
what it means to be cold, drenched to the skin, and squirrelly from cabin
fever. But a little risk has its
undeniable payoffs, too; being awakened at midnight by the eerie, lone cry of a
great horned owl; being stopped dead in one’s tracks by a doe diving through
bay berry for cover; finding all vital hungers filled.
Talk about fear.
You could move without love, forget how it feels to live. You could think you were safe – and never
know the danger of deep joy, the pitfalls of beauty, and the passion of being
free. – North Cairn.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Five Healthy Behaviors to Prevent Dementia, Cancer, Heart Disease and Stroke
In a recent report on the BBC, the University of Cardiff Medical School conducted a 35 year study of Welsh men and concluded that by making five (5) lifestyle choices - 1) No smoking, 2) Regular exercise, 3) Low to no alcohol use, 4) Maintaining a health diet, and 5) Maintaining a low body weight. Selecting just a few of these behaviors can reduce heart disease by 60%, stroke by 70%, full dementia by 60%, cognitive difficulty by 60% and cancer by 40%BBC Science World - Dementia
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01ncd42
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01ncd42
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Nelson Mandela's Gift to Addicts and Alcoholics
On October 5, 2013, Nelson Mandela, the first black President elected in South Africa, passed away at the age of 95 years. He had spent his entire life fighting for the freedom of his countrymen of all colors and races. Equality and freedom were his two passions.
He has so many lessons for those of us suffering from addiction as well as people generally, but the most important lesson is that resentment - lack of forgiveness is fatal - terminal.
The second and much more powerful message is that love truly is more powerful than and truly does overcome hate.
Friday, December 6, 2013
The Lies We Tell
If you are struggling with a friend or a loved one who has a substance abuse problem or addiction to a behavior, you know a sad truth. They are liars - They lie about their problem and almost everything else. My partner left me because of the lying more so than the drinking. Addiction is called the disease of deception for many reasons.
One of the reasons that we become liars in our addicted states is because our brain could never accept the truth of what we are doing to ourselves or others. We must lie in order for our behavior to become acceptable to us. We must lie so that we can live with the intolerable parts of us.
The first step in recovery is admitting we have a problem. The first action required is to start telling the truth.
One of the reasons that we become liars in our addicted states is because our brain could never accept the truth of what we are doing to ourselves or others. We must lie in order for our behavior to become acceptable to us. We must lie so that we can live with the intolerable parts of us.
The first step in recovery is admitting we have a problem. The first action required is to start telling the truth.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Adolescent Intervention
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Interventions
It is taking its toll. Always someone is suffering and slow;y killing themselves. I have been working more and more with elderly and senior citizen alcoholics and I am amazed at how this disease of alcoholism is really anout the "ism"
I heard a great acronym last night - ISM - "I separate myself". That is what alcoholism and addiction do. They force us to separate ourselves to protect our addictive behavior. Recovery allows us to reconnect, renew and regain our lives.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
What is a sober adventure?
What is a sober adventure? A sober adventure is doing anything that you are afraid to do. Why would we be afraid of doing something? We are usually afraid of the unknown - but that's what makes it an adventure. I remember that I was going to run a 5k Race at the Gasparilla Running Festival with a 10k, a 15k, a half marathon and a marathon. I had to register with 25,000 other people. I did not know the area or what to do. I was nervous and called a sober friend.
The friend said "You're afraid to register for a race? After spending 10 months in prison, you're afraid to register for a race?"
I said, "well, I don't know where to go or where the start will be or the course?"
She replied "Why don't you just follow the crowd? You aren't going to be coming in first are you?"
She was right. I was only afraid because I had never done it before...what if I failed. What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? What adventure does fear hold you back from doing?
The friend said "You're afraid to register for a race? After spending 10 months in prison, you're afraid to register for a race?"
I said, "well, I don't know where to go or where the start will be or the course?"
She replied "Why don't you just follow the crowd? You aren't going to be coming in first are you?"
She was right. I was only afraid because I had never done it before...what if I failed. What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail? What adventure does fear hold you back from doing?
Monday, November 11, 2013
Veteran's Day - Start of Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey 21 Day Meditation - Desire and Destiny
Today, I began the Oprah and Deepak Desire and Destin 21 Day Meditation Challenge. You can find information on the program at the following link - We are so excited to announce our ALL-NEW Meditation Experience, Desire and Destiny, starting November 11!
Nearly 2 million people from around the world have joined us for this original transformational meditation program, mastering the art of living well. Whether you’ve joined us for one of our authentic meditation experiences such as Perfect Health or Miraculous Relationships—or are new to meditation altogether—Desire and Destiny will change your life.
Join us for this FREE 3-week journey toward living with passion and abundance! We’ll be your guides, every day, as you uncover your creative brilliance, connect with your deepest desires, and tap into to your pure potential. Then, watch your soul’s purpose and true destiny emerge, opening the door to living a life in which all things are within reach and your dreams transform into reality.
It’s free and open to everyone—worldwide! We encourage you to sign up now and invite those you love to join us.
We look forward to sharing this powerful experience and celebrating your magnificence with you!
Blessings,
On this Veteran's Day, we can honor those who have been through the hell of war and military service by seeking quiet contemplation.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Miracles Are Commonplace
In the early days of my own recovery, I heard two things - 1) Never Give Up Just Before the Miracle Happens and 2) In recovery, miracles are commonplace. My sponsor sent me this message today:
On this day of your life, I beleive God want you to know...
that miracles do not, in fact, break the laws of nature."
C.S. Lewis said that, and it is an enormous insight.
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expecte them.
And expecting a miracle is the best way to get one.
Just pray to whatever Higher Power you believe in for your miracle...
and if you have no belief, then perhaps you can believe
that I believe you will get a miracle -
it may not come the way you think, but it will come.
I remember trying to decide if I should go to treatment and it was the prospect of miracles that made me come and the promise of miracles that made me stay and kept me coming back. Expecting miracles - large and small - do end up in the manifestation of miracles. This is our experience. This is my experience. This has been shown over and over again.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Getting an Addicted Loved One into Treatment
Although I have only been doing interventions for the past eight years, with about an 18 month break in 2007-2008, I am still surprised how different each intervention is and how similar they all are. I can never say "this was just like the intervention I did in _______". Each intervention is as unique as each person and each family has their own dynamic. But the goals of all interventions are the same - to get the addicted loved one to agree to some action - treatment, therapy, or program - to help address the addiction. There are other goals that are almost as important:
- To unite the family together to show support and healing.
- To break through the walls of denial and delusion.
- To work together instead of on a 1:1 basis where the addicted loved one cannot manipulate, lie about another family member, or triangulate people.
- To help the addicted loved one face reality and the existence of a chemical-dependency problem.
- To give the addicted loved one and family members the information needed to accept help.
- To offer hope to the addicted loved one and the family and options for a happier, healthier life!!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Time takes time
TIME = Things I must Earn. People suffering from addiction and mental health issues are really like people that have a really, really bad flu. It affects their mood, their perception of reality, and their sense of what is important. Because they are sick, they are preoccupied with themselves and obvious to others. This is the nature of addiction - the perfect predator.
Recovery takes time. TIME is an acronym for "things I must earn." When I got sober, I so much yearned for my life back, my spouse, my career, my home, my things...It has taken a long time. I had to earn this life that I have today - your loved one will too. Encourage, but for God's sake, let them do it. It is a journey that should not be robbed from them. What you can do is encourage, love, and pray for them. But their time, like my time, I must earn myself.
Recovery takes time. TIME is an acronym for "things I must earn." When I got sober, I so much yearned for my life back, my spouse, my career, my home, my things...It has taken a long time. I had to earn this life that I have today - your loved one will too. Encourage, but for God's sake, let them do it. It is a journey that should not be robbed from them. What you can do is encourage, love, and pray for them. But their time, like my time, I must earn myself.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Change at the rate of PAIN
I was not willing to change until the pain got too great. When family and friends ask me to do an intervention on a family member, they want me to be the tough one while they keep insulating their loved one from the pain. Why should they change if nothing is encouraging them to change. Most people will change when presented with two options:
My sponsor told me one thing that I will never forget "Why would you deny anyone, anyone, the pain that taught you so much." It did. It continues to teach me.
- The pain gets so great that they are willing to do anything to releave it.
- The reward for the change is so good that it is better to change than to remain the same.
My sponsor told me one thing that I will never forget "Why would you deny anyone, anyone, the pain that taught you so much." It did. It continues to teach me.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Running 13 races 13 miles long in 2013
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Emmanuel Jal - International Hip Hop Artist and Peace Activitist |
On January 10, 2010, I ran my first full marathon - the Walt Disney World Marathon in Orlando, Florida. I did not do well, but I finished. I never, never, never imagined I could run a full marathon, but I had two things - 1) a burning desire to do something noble after losing my career, my money, my life partner and my self-respect, and 2) I had the music of Emmanuel Jal on my iPod and when I listened to it, I could run for miles.
In February, 2010, I became Facebook friends with Emmanuel Jal and we would chat. He invited me to go to the Clinton Global Initiative in March, but the volcano in Iceland grounded Jal in London and he could not attend. Also, in February, I decided to run the Chicago Marathon which was going to take place on 10-10-10. That date will never come again until 2110. So, I decided to raise money for Emmanuel Jal's charity - GUA Africa. Gua means peace in Jal's home language, Nuer.
The following year, I decided to run 11 marathons, half and full, for GUA Africa. In 2012, I ran 12 full marathons. I thought I would stop after that, but I cannot give it up. It makes me feel so good about myself; it is one of the few things that doesreally make me happy and proud.
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Kids benefiting from GUA Africa, South Sudan |
This year, I was running the St. Pete Beach Classic and I thought "I should run 13 halves because that would be 13 x 13.1 x 13 - 13 halves (13.1) in 2013 and try to raise moneyfor GUA Africa by getting 1000 or even 100 people to donate $13.00. So that is the goal...check out my website at www.runforguaafrica.com.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Addiction and Shifts in Perception
One of the reasons that people need interventions from time to time to get help for their addictions or addictive behaviors is that the addiction almost always requires denial and delusion in order to allow the addictive and bizarre behavior to continue. Much of the time an addict sees the idea of treatment as a horrible, torturous experience. It is a matter of perception. Once they get to treatment and are fully detoxed, they are so happy and can't imagine or even remember the hell they put their family and friends through to get them to treatment.
Many non-addicts or normal people often have these distorted perceptions in daily matters. They will see a situation as bad or unacceptable. I was talking to several people this morning who were complaining that this was not good or that was not good...and my experience is that just because something is not good does not mean it's bad. Some of the worst things turned out to be blessings in disguise. I am not saying we need to go around loving situations which are difficult, unpleasant, challenging, frustrating, painful or infuriating, but perhaps we should wait and see what lessons we can gleam before we shut the door on possibilities. Difficult, I admit. But it is what I try to do.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
FEAR - Face Everything And Recover vs. Forget Everything And Run
It is said that "resentments" cause more people to drink and drug than anything else - "The number one offender." However, I am convinced that most people, including myself, react to their feelings of fear more than any other feeling. There are 6 basic fears:
- The Fear of Poverty
- The Fear of Criticism
- The Fear of Ill Health
- The Fear of Loss of Love of Someone
- The Fear of Old Age
- The Fear of Death
What do you fear most?


- The Fear of Poverty
- The Fear of Criticism
- The Fear of Ill Health
- The Fear of Loss of Love of Someone
- The Fear of Old Age
- The Fear of Death
What do you fear most?


Thursday, October 10, 2013
This past week, I was at the American Bar Association (ABA) Annual Meeting on the Committee for Lawyer Assistance Programs (CoLAPs) which help lawyers, judges, and law students with addiction and mental health issues. There I was forced to confront the most difficult pasts of my past minute-by-minute and day-by-day. I attended this conference because I have had two career goals for the past 7-8 years - 1) to be the best interventionist possible, and 2) to create a treatment program that really and truly effectively helps legal professionals address their addictions and find recovery.

I know we grow when we are outside our comfort zone, but when we fly without a net...it's scary.
One of the reasons that intervention is so important and necessary is that our addictions are the most cunning predators, as a woman I heard today stated, "addiction is the perfect predator because it finds it's place in our brain that will allow it to take another chance at our soul."
The good news about recovery was found in the resiliency - not of the mind, nor of the body - but of the soul. The soul seems to be always under attack and is never destroyed. Thus, the entry point for recovery is not necessarily the mind or the body but through the spirit...through the soul.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Sober Saturday Nights

Running season is beginning again. This is the time that I remember most what I am doing with my own recovery and the miracle of my sobriety. Tonight I am spending time with my parents. They were there for me when I was at my worst. Tomorrow I will get up at 5 am and run the length of New Smyrna Beach from Flagler Ave to the jetties and back - about 5 miles. Then go surfing if there are waves or Stand Up Paddleboarding if there are not. I am 51 years old and I will do these things as if I am 21 years old. When I was 41 years old, I was drunk at this time on a Saturday night. Not this Saturday night or any other for many years. Sunday mornings feel really good.
I am so grateful to take part in this miracle - to be a miracle or a tragedy. Miracle today, baby!!!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Krokodil - Scarier that anything yet!!!
There are so many drugs that keep coming up, that continue to develop. For several years now, "Molly", a form of MDMA or Ecstacy, has been causing havoc among young people experimenting. Now, Krokodil, a rough form of desomorphine, is potentially making its way into the United States. I have no doubt it will come; it is only a matter of time.
As appeared in the Orlando Sentinel, By Matt Hamilton
11:00 a.m. EDT, September 28,
2013
A highly addictive drug whose name derives from the green, scaly sores that
develop on users’ rotting flesh was reported to have found a toehold in the
United States this week. In Phoenix, physicians told toxicologists at the Banner Good Samaritan Poison
Control Center that they spotted symptoms consistent with krokodil, an
intravenous drug that is prevalent in Russia and Eastern European countries,
according to a statement released to the Los Angeles Times. Although toxicology reports have yet to confirm the presence of krokodil,
reports in the media sounded the alarm, prompting fascination and
speculation.
"The Most Horrifying Drug in the World Comes to the US," said Time magazine.
Mother Jones minced no words: "Zombie Apocalypse Drug Reaches US: This Is Not a
Joke." The appeal of news about krokodil (pronounced "crocodile") stems partly from
its dramatic consequences on the human body: The drug ravages the flesh,
exposing the bones, destroying internal organs and leaving users vulnerable to
infection. Users quickly develop abscesses and gangrene, and often amputation is
the only way to protect a patient’s life.
Curiosity also stems partly from the do-it-yourself nature of the drug’s
preparation. According to New York’s Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Services, it
can be made with ordinary ingredients, including paint thinner, codeine, iodine,
hydrochloric acid, red phosphorus, gasoline and lighter fluid. Krokodil is essentially a back-alley version of desomorphine, which was
introduced in 1932 as a less addictive version of morphine.
But according to a study in the Journal of Addictive Diseases, desomorphine
turned out more addictive and up to 10 times stronger than the drug it was meant
to replace, so it was mostly discontinued. Switzerland produced the drug until
the 1950s, and today, desomorphine is banned in Austria and Germany. The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration has been tracking use of krokodil
abroad for at least two years, where the drug has surged in popularity,
especially in Russia. Up to 1 million people in Russia are estimated to use
krokodil, according to New York's Office of Alcoholism and Substance Abuse
Services.
But has it reached the United States?
Absent any definitive proof that krokodil abuse has occurred, the DEA has --
so far -- labeled the Arizona cases anecdotal. Other reports of krokodil in the
last two years in Alabama and Arkansas were never confirmed, agency spokesman
Rusty Payne said. “When I hear about about these things like krokodil, I’m skeptical,” Payne
said. “I’m not believing it until I get a lab report.” There’s still no evidence that it has entered the illicit drug market in the
U.S., Payne said. But toxicologists at the Arizona poison control center said they remain
worried about krokodil usage, explaining that emerging drug habits are typically
first seen by area physicians.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Change and Dealing with the Reptilian Brain
When someone begins the study of addiction and the biology and the science of addiction, one of the first things that we learn is that addiction is a disease of the brain. There are many things that we still do not know, principally why some people become afflicted with addiction and others do not. We have learned that virtually all people who have severe addictions also have suffered severe trauma, occasionally emotional trauma, physical abuse or a traumatic brain injury. However, not all people who suffer from trauma also suffer from addiction. So the question is "why do some 'get it' and not others?" We do not know exactly what causes it either. However, there is a lot that we do know.
We do know which parts of the brain are affected by addictive behaviors and chemical substances. So, for example, in the case of the alcoholic or drug addict, we know that the chemicals act on the brain stem or the reptilian part of the brain. This is the area of the brain that controls our animal instincts for food, fight or flight and pro-creation or sex. Thus, the first addictions and perhaps the roots of all addictions are food addiction, sex addiction and fear.

Sunday, September 22, 2013
Never Give Up...just before the miracle happens
Never Give Up Just
Before the Miracle Happens
My name is Steve and I am a gratefully recovering
alcoholic. My sobriety date was not planned. I had previously decided many
times “This is a great date to quit drinking…but the first day of my recovery
for more than 6 years was 5-12-07. To
me, it is no coincidence that the year and the month added up to 12 and that
the date was the 12th. I did
not even realize this until more than a year after my sober.date. I really beleive in 12 Step programs, but I do not speak for any organization or program. I speak only for my own experiences.
When I was
in undergraduate school I was selected by the graduating class to give the
closing speech at graduation. That was
in 1984. In 2008, I was again selected by the graduating class of another
educational institution to give the closing speech at graduation – but this one
was in a federal prison camp. So today,
I will do my best to fill in the gaps and as is stated on page 29 of the Big
Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will attempt to describe in my own language and
from my own point of view the way I established my own relationship with God.”
Getting sober has not been easy for me
as it has not been with most people – ego, fear, doubt, delusion and denial
have been the hallmarks of my resistance to surrender. But the very first thing that ever stuck in
my mind and kept me from giving up completely was a phrase that my aunt North
told me back on Labor Day weekend in 1995 “Never Give Up Just Before the
Miracle Happens. Then I heard Chuck C.
comment that a priest told him that “Miracles in AA are Common Place! Common
Place!” So I bought it and I have prayed for miracles and I have remembered
that for me “life is a miracle.” For
people like us there is no middle ground – it is either miracle or
tragedy. Today, I don’t ask for miracles
as much as I try to be one with God’s doing his or her part and me doing mine.
I had a really hard time surrendering
– I really needed step 2 “HOPE” in order to do step 1. They say that step 1 is the only step we need
to do perfectly. However, for me, I
needed to do the second step, if not perfectly, thoroughly: I needed to learn,
understand and truly believe that a power greater than me, whom I will call
God, could and would restore me to sanity. I needed you, my sponsor, meetings
and the Big Book. However, in the end, it was only when I acknowledged that I
was responsible for the mess I had made of my life and I needed to decide
whether I was going to go on drinking or whether I was going to do whatever it
took to change so that I would no longer need to drink.
I had to believe that I could
change. I believed in God, though not
the dogma attached to many churches or religions. I just didn’t think that God cared whether I
drank or not. So, despite the efforts of
MANY members of AA, various detox hospitalizations and three 28 day treatment
programs, I could not stay sober despite acknowledging, accepting and conceding
to myself that I was an alcoholic and believing that the Program worked.
I grew up in a family dynamic of the
upper middle class – loving, supportive, ambitious and as dysfunction as most families
– but I never felt that I really belonged.
I remember feeling different from a very young age. It was probably sometime between kindergarten
and first grade that I knew I was going to have to fend for myself and needed
to figure out the rules of this world. I
had these dreams and passions that kept get stifled for some reason. I was an artistic kid and a terrible team
athlete. I loved sailing, waterskiing,
and swimming, but could not play baseball, basketball or football to save my
life. Still, I felt this endless
restlessness and dissatisfaction in life – which I had to prove my worth in
being allowed in my family, in my school, in my community, in my country and in
the world. I went to 10 schools in 12
years up through high school because of family moves and school changes.
When I was in seventh grade, an
incident prompted a major change in me.
I was in gym class and we had to run eight laps around the track. By the time the other guys had completed the
eight laps I was still last and just completed my 7th lap. It seemed ridiculous for me to keep everyone
waiting while I would run the 8th lap, so I lied and told the coach
that I had finished. All the other guys
immediately admonished me and condemned me.
They called me a liar and a cheat – and I was. It was a Friday and I pretended to be sick
the following week – all week – in hopes that they would all forget me. While I stayed home, I reflected on what a disgrace
I was and how I seemed to be so unsuccessful in my day to day living. I would watch movies and retreat into fantasy
– I dreamed I was like James Bond leading a life of adventure and intrigue all
over the world. The fantasy “me” knew the major cities of the world intimately
and spoke several languages. The real “me”
memorized the maps of the capitals of Europe, Africa, Asia and South
America. The real “me” studied the
histories and the cultures of the world.
The real “me” learned to speak several languages. The real “me” did everything possible to
travel around the world – going to places in reality and, if not, then through
movies, books and pen pals.
As a teenager, I resolved that I was
going to become as close to the fantasy “me” as I could. For the next 6 years of junior high school
and high school I coped perfectly with the world by escaping to my fantasy
world whenever I was unsatisfied with the real world or needed an escape. When I started college, I went into a panic
that I would not succeed and I would never be worthy of anything. However, the next four years were years of
tremendous success. I was the Chief
Justice of the Student Court, an honor student, involved in everything and very
happy. After my freshman year, I
realized that I had not had to retreat to my fantasy life because once I was
away from my family and in college, I felt free to become my true self and I
sought earnestly to study, work hard and do anything that would prepare me to
become the man of my dreams. I did not
drink much in college, but I remember getting drunk a few times. I thought that is what college kids do. Still, I graduated summa cum laude, gave the
commencement address at my graduation and seemed on top of the world with a
bright future. The problem was that I
had a secret – I was gay and that was not in my plan. I had no idea how to solve it – I prayed to
be “cured of my affliction.”
I took a year off between college and
law school to study and teach English in Japan.
I also went to Japan to cure myself of being gay – I reasoned that
Japanese women were hot and Japanese guys were not and I had a book that
promised a cure. Once I got to Japan, once
again, I was gripped with fear that I would be a failure; that I would not
succeed. I doubted myself and felt that I again would never succeed or amount
to anything. There I drank like the
Japanese did - a lot. One night at a
club, I had too much to drink and decided to break dance. It was the 80’s. I did break dance and I
broke my ankle. I was supposed to take
my test to get my black belt in Shorinji Kempo and had to do it in a cast from
the Red Cross hospital. I realized the cure was not going to work and I delayed
dealing with the homosexual issue. Nevertheless, I left Japan with a great sense
of love for the country, a black belt, many friends, and I felt accomplished.
I arrived at the University of Florida on a
Sunday from my year in Japan and started law school on Monday. Apart from a
great culture shock, I went again into panic at starting a new challenge. I felt that I was a loser again, that I would
never succeed and I was totally unworthy of anything good. Plus, I had not found a resolution to the gay
issue. Well, after a difficult first
year, I was accepted to clerk with a Japanese American law firm in Chicago and
lived with my grandparents. There, I
discovered the magic of alcohol. Every
day after work, I would come home and have cocktails with my grandparents. My grandfather was a prominent lawyer in
Chicago, Harvard educated and kind of my hero.
I would drink Scotch with him and talk about the law. I felt I had arrived and drank every
night. When I went back to law school, I
stopped the daily drinking, but I sensed that alcohol had an unnatural power
over me.
Just as outward success had come in high
school, college and Japan, it also came to me in law school. I taught legal research and writing; I was
elected to a national office as the Treasurer of the Association of
International Law Societies and I served as the Editor in Chief of the Florida
International Law Journal. I also worked
as the graduate intern in the International Student Center. I dreamed of being a successful international
lawyer. At the end of law school, I was
hired by an international corporate firm in Chicago and earned one of the
highest starting salaries in my class.
It was a successor firm to my grandfather’s firm. Once again, the future looked nothing but
bright.
When I started practicing law, the
familiar doubts and fear reappeared and I feared ever being a success and was
certain of failure. Nevertheless, I was
able to bring in new clients at an astonishing rate and was soon considered a
wonder kid rainmaker in the firm. I was
representing Japanese businesses and international companies in matters far
above my skill and experience level so I learned to fake it well. As a closeted gay guy, I had learned how to
lie to protect myself and how to “create an image” for myself. The real me could never be known. I drank heavily but carefully.
Once I was assured of my success, I
came out to myself as well as my family and this was very difficult for my
family, but they loved me and learned to accept this “shame” over time. “At least, Steve is a successful lawyer”. Within a few years, I was making more money
than I knew what to do with and spending it just as fast. I was traveling to Europe and Asia on exotic
corporate transactions and all over the United States. I went through a few short relationships and
drank too much but without major consequence.
However, I knew deep inside that I did
not drink like normal people. I often
liked to drink alone and finally decided to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. That experience taught me that terrible
things happened to alcoholics and it was better not to associate with them or I
would end up like them. I drank in the
closet like I had lived in the closet.
This went on for a few more years.
I finally met someone I wanted to
spend my life with in 1994 and he moved from New York to be with me. We started a life together and I made sure
that it was as perfect as possible by writing checks and drinking to solve all
my problems. I hid my worst drinking
from him, but he knew something was wrong. In 1998, we had a commitment
ceremony, my father had a stroke and lost his job as the president of a big
company and my law firm decided to break up.
I went with a new firm and immediately knew it was not the right place
for me, but I felt trapped and drank even more.
By 2000, my drinking was affecting my work and my relationship, actually
everything. Alcohol had taken over my
life and I had to hide this from everyone.
I lied to my partner, I lied to my family and I lied to my law partners
and clients. Soon I was lying about my
work and started to falsify documents to match my lies. In 2002, my deceit was uncovered and I was
fired from my firm.
I spend the next year and a half
drinking, trying to work as an investment banker and going in and out of detox
and treatment. My partner had finally
lost all hope for me and lost all trust in me.
I went to a 28 day treatment program in Chicago and did great. I felt good for the first time in years. It was recommended that I go to a halfway
house, but I wanted to go home. After
leaving treatment and seeing the wreckage of my life, there seemed to be only
one way to cope with it – keep drinking.
I was drunk again three days after treatment. I was sent back again for a week and then
went to a halfway house where I lasted two days and was kicked out for
drinking. I simply was hopeless – my
life seemed lost forever.
My partner called my parents in
Florida and they came to get me. I was
basically poured out of Chicago and into Orlando where I stayed for three
months going to AA and drinking whenever I could. I went back to Chicago to try to get a job
with Credit Suisse, but I was shaking so much that I had to go out and get some
vodka just to finish the aptitude test.
I left and kept drinking – I was a homeless man in an Armani suit. By
then, I would regularly go back to the loft I shared with my partner and just
drink alone while he was gone. In the
middle of the night, I woke up and needed more alcohol so, still intoxicated, I
climbed over my balcony on the tenth floor into the loft of the 82 year old
lady next door and stole her vodka.
I was sent to treatment in St. Pete
Beach, Florida, not far from where I had gone to college and this is where I got
sober. I was in treatment 71 days and
then began working at the treatment center.
I worked hard at my recovery and had a good sponsor. We did a fourth and fifth step together on a
cloudy day on the beach and were both crying in the end. He said “No wonder you could not stop
drinking…but you never have to drink again.” I said, “I may have to go to
prison.” He replied, “Then you will go sober.” Suddenly the sun came out and we
both sat in marvel at the timing as rays of sunshine burst through the clouds. I also got a part-time job crewing on a
dolphin watch sailboat. I literally lived with the dolphins. I bought a Hobie-cat sailboat and started
taking clients sailing to show them the thrill of living large in sobriety as
dolphins popped up next to the boat. I
took them to the beach, kayaking and all kinds of activities that took their
breath away. Sober life is an adventure
became my mantra.
I wish I could say I lived happily
ever after, but my story is real life and alcoholism is a subtle foe that wants
me dead. After working in treatment for
a year and a half and becoming the poster child for the treatment center,
several things happened and I once again found myself hopeless and alone. I don’t remember the details but I drove
myself to the beach and started drinking in my car. I passed out and was awaken
by the police and arrested for DUI.
Until that point, a DUI was the only thing that had not happened to me
as a result of my drinking. The
treatment center I was working for wanted to keep me and sent me to its center
in Laguna Beach, California. I sobered
up. The last weekend of April, 2006, I
attended an AA convention called “Miracles Happen”. I was profoundly moved by it and prayed for a
miracle. About 20 minutes later, I
received a call on my cell phone from an old law partner in Chicago. The Chicago Tribune had an article in it that
I had been indicted for document fraud.
I flew to Chicago and plead not guilty.
Once again, I was so full of fear and doubt – I was hopeless. I drank on a rampage and was near death
several times. I was facing years in federal prison.
Finally, I did what so many of us
do. I crawled out of bed shaking, in
pain and begged, begged God to help me.
I always believed in God, but I never believed He cared if I drank. I promised I would do anything as long as I
could be shown it was worth it, in other words, as long as I can have
hope. I learned that night that hope
does not abandon us, we abandon it. I woke up the next day feeling much better
than I anticipated and had surrendered to my fate. For the first time, trusting in whatever
outcome would come and still hoping for the miracle that I had prayed for. I wanted the miracle to be that I was
miraculously exonerated. God had other
plans.
For the next several months I wrestled
and struggled to stay sober. In January
2007, I thought I was going to kill myself.
I did not want to drink, but I did not want to face my future. I went to a Tuesday night meeting in Lake
Mary and prayed for help. Two other
ladies came and one suggested we read a story from the big book. Independently, we each opened to page ---,
the first page of the story “Grounded” about a pilot who had to go to federal
prison as a result of his drinking. We
read it and I learned that “courage is not the absence of fear, but the walking
in the face of it.
The next month I was back in Chicago
and getting ready for my sentencing. I
went to an AA meeting the night before and it did not help my fear and anxiety
of what my fate would be. I prayed
again, “Look, God, I know I am always asking for your help, but I am so, so
afraid. Please just let me know you are
with me! Please!” I jumped in a taxi
back to my hotel. As I got out, a
homeless guy asked me if I wanted my shoes shined. I told him it was too cold and I just wanted
to go inside. He asked if I could help
him out and I gave him some money. “Hey,
thanks!” he said, “what’s your name?” He held out his hand and looked me
straight in the eye with a strange intensity.
“Steve,” I told him. “Well,
Steve,” he said, “my name is Emmanuel.”
Then, he shook my hand and walked away.
Realizing that Emmanuel means “I am with you” I looked up into the cold
dark sky and smiled. “OK, I will give you that one,” I said, looking into the
sky, “that one was good!” No matter what
was to happen, I felt that God heard my prayer and I would not be alone.
The next day I was sentenced to 24
months in federal prison. I felt that
God was with me and still hated the idea of it, but I felt hope for the first
time. It was a hope borne out of nothing
but being sober and believing that a power greater than me could restore me to
sanity. Going to prison to me was my
greatest fear since I was a child and all my nightmares involved concentration
camps. I arrived at the Pensacola
federal prison camp, was strip searched, everything but my recovery bible taken
away, and put into the population. I thought, “OK, so here is your worst
nightmare...face it!” I could not talk to my family for five days. The first morning, I met one of the other two
members of Alcoholics Anonymous. We were
now three of a population of 700, approximately 500 of which were there for
drug related crimes.
I was scared and, being gay, I was
going to be back in the closet for as long as it took. The following weekend though, the camp had a
special program called “Insight” or as the inmates called it “Hug a thug” and I
was allowed to go. During the program, this lady talked about facing fear. She said that, when lions hunt, the male
lions will come across a pack of prey and crouch down in the brush while the
female lions carefully encircle the prey on all three sides. Then the male lions let out their fierce
roar!! When the prey hears the roar, they run away in fear right into the
mouths of the female lions. The lesson
is “Run toward your Roar”. During the
course of the weekend, I had come to a point where I either had to lie about
being gay or tell the truth. I told the
truth and it was all around the camp the next day. Suddenly, many guys who had previously spoken
to me now stayed well away.
There was this crazy ex-marine and FBI
agent in for corruption and he ran a Navy Seals workout. I joined up and took whatever physical test
he dished out. None of the other guys
were willing to go to the lengths that I was.
I remembered that Clancy got sober when he got willing to do the things
he did not want to do so whenever I faced a situation that I did not want, I
got willing to do it. My job was to work
in the wood shop. I volunteered to do
wood working and I was assigned to carve dolphin out of wood because “Kiki” the
dolphin was the camp’s mascot. I made
over one hundred dolphin carvings.
Every morning I would wake up at 5:00
am and would go out to the weight pile to lift weights. Every morning I prayed that I would get a
miracle that would allow me to leave, but after about two weeks, I just prayed
for a sign that God was still with me.
That evening, I was walking to the one AA meeting and heard my name
being called to Dorm C. I was told that
I had been accepted to the Drug and Alcohol Program which would get me out in
nine (9) months. It was the answer to my
prayer. However, the original prayer had
gone unanswered, the prayer when I had asked for a miracle at “Miracles
Happen”. Now this is hard to say, but
after praying for the answer why, why did I have to go through all this, the
answer that came to me was this: “Steve, I am sick and tired of your lack of
faith in me and in you. I am sick of
carrying you from one part of your journey to the next with such doubt. Look at your life! Look at it! In every change, in every
challenge, in every dilemma and in every difficult moment, I have been with you
always and, damn it, I am tired of your doubt, so I decided that you need to
spend some time in the worst possible place in your mind to know that I will
always be with you and I will always protect you in all times until the moment
I take you from this life.” Now, I don’t
know how that came into my heart and mind, but from that moment, I totally
surrendered to who I was, and to where I was, and from that moment, I have been
trying to be the best that I can be. I
realized that when I surrendered to who I really was, I became the person I
always wanted to be. When my group
finished the Drug and Alcohol Program, I gave the graduation speech before the
other 90 inmates and 25 staff. It meant
more to me than the graduation speech I had given at my college graduation 24
years prior.
I was released in April 2008 to spend
6 months in a federal halfway house in Orlando, Florida and home
confinement. I was released from that
program on October 4, 2008. In March
2011, I was asked to come back to organize AA and NA meetings at the federal
halfway house and lead a group every Monday night.
While I was on house arrest, I worked
at a law firm for someone with whom I went to law school. I stayed active in AA
with my sponsor, sponsoring others and taking various service positions.
While I was in the camp I started
running around the track to get away from the other 700 inmates and have God
time. When I returned to Orlando, I would run during lunch and before work
simply to feel free.
Since that time, I have run 18
marathons, over 50 half marathons, 30 5K, 10k, and 15k races. I have done numerous triathlons. In August 2009, I completed the Chicago
Triathlon and I went back to Chicago where they had to pour me out and I was
sentenced in disgrace. In 2010, I did my
first marathon, the Disney Marathon in January 1-10-10 and then did the Chicago
Marathon on 10-10-10 and raised money for a school in Africa. In 2012, I was able to run 12 marathons to
raise money for the school in Africa.
In May 2010, my three (3) year
probation was terminated a year and a half early. I had been working as a law clerk and legal
researcher for an insurance defense firm. I have a blog called Sober Adventure Steve and
it is anonymous, but in February 2011, I was asked to resign from that law firm
because of my blog. I was very unhappy
there and it was another example of God doing for me what I could not do for
myself.
The day I was fired (2-11-2011), I
incorporated a new business – Absolute Adventure Radical Recovery for
Interventions and Addictions treatment. I became certified in the State of
Florida as a Certified Addiction Specialist and became a board registered
interventionist. I completed a Substance
Abuse Counselor program from Stonebridge College in England and graduated with
Distinction.
While I was in the prison camp in
2008, I heard a news report that a treasure hunting company in Tampa, Florida
found a sunken Spanish ship in the Atlantic with $500 million in silver and
gold. The Spanish government filed a
lawsuit to get the ship and treasure back.
I thought “that would be a dream case, my dream case, I look what I have
done to myself.” In October 2011, I was
asked to work on the Supreme Court appeal to that case by a friend from law
school. I did and discovered, it was not
my dream case. My dream is to help
people get clean and sober. I drove by
my old treatment center in St Pete Beach just to stop in a say hello. When I went in, the director said she finally
got permission to hire another counselor.
I told her I would be interested and was hired. So, in 2012, I returned
to the treatment center that got me sober and helped numerous clients. Later I
joined Intervention Specialists and became certified as a Certified ARISE
Interventionist.
I had two dreams left after leaving
prison – to start a treatment program and to reinstate my law license. One day I was in the Tampa gay meeting and a
woman was there whose story changed me so much I called her one day out of the
blue and she answered. I told her I was
going to prison and I wanted to kill myself.
She told me she did not know what would happen if I went to prison but not
to worry because “GOD WOULD PROVIDE”. As a result, I did not kill myself that
day (obviously) and I remembered that. I
asked her to become my sponsor and the first thing she said was “I want you to
get your law license in Florida and fight as a lawyer and lobbyist to allow gay
marriage in Florida.
This month I am opening my own
treatment program for lawyers struggling with drug and alcohol addiction and I
applied for the Florida Bar. There will
be many more challenges and hurricanes before I reach home port, but I know how
to steer my sailboat today and I am better about not sailing into storms or
running aground.
Today, life is difficult, but I always
have hope. No challenge is too great. Many financial amends are still before me and
I have a lot of other amends to make. I have a lot of goals and dreams, but I
trust that my higher power will guide me if I let Him. Problems now are opportunities and I know
that God truly has me best when He has me at His mercy. I believe, truly believe, the first thing I
ever heard in AA – “Don’t give up just before the miracle happens.” My hope
will never die. AA will never let me down.
I have been restored to sanity and plan to spend the rest of my life
giving what has been so freely given to me.
My greatest antidote for fear is what I learned in prison “Run toward
your Roarrrrrrrrr.”
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